I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
