I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
