so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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