god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i don't like sucking hair
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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