my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Sext me about skeletons
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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