Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
