Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
