I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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