i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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