M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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