I just pynch a tree in the face
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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