apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
