I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
