I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
