mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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