Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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