That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
