Can Purell be used as lube?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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