if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
