what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
