he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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