Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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