My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
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