Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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