no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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