omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
