So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
