I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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