yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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