why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
