Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
