Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
