i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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