if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
