I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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