he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
