I just pynch a tree in the face
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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