Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
