I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
