Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
