my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
