ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
