The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
