i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
