I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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