i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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