I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
