Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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