I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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