can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
