you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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