Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
