He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
