cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
