I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
